21.6.15

(Take a deep breath ... And say this slowly, in your heart but so loud as if they are coming out of your mouth)

1. I don't need approval
2. I don't need the guilt
3. I accept that I am despised
4. I accept that I am hated
5. But I will love anyway
6. There will always be disappointment on me
7. But I will love anyway
8. There will always be curses on me
9. But I will love anyway

What do you want me to do? I'm hopeless. The world is hopeless.

9.6.15

selasa. pagi. mendung.

anjing main di jalanan satu jam, kejar kurir sepeda, lalu pulang.
aku keluarkan pagar besi, berat, tajam, sendirian dari mobil.
mereka bilang, "jangan, nanti saja, kita panggil tukang dua orang ke sini,"
ah, aku ngga butuh tukang.
hujan.
hujan.
badan ini letih juga, siang-siang mandi, berbaring, dan terus hujan.
mataku perih dibuka, jadi kututup.
sudah gelap ketika aku bangun, leher hangat.
dua anak kucing kemping di bahuku.
hangat. hangat. hangat.
sekarang waktunya aku kasih makan mereka, lalu kembali istirahat.
nenek ini sudah tua, sudah damai dia.

11.5.15

i stopped calling you daddy

'cus i have lost your daughter

6.5.15

tuhanku sedang menari

sepotong lagu jazz mengalun lewat
piringan hitam
dan perlahan menarilah ia
sesekali menggumam di bait nada
menutup mata dan menarik kepalanya pelan
"hatiku sedang damai," bisiknya
"aku suruh hawa membuai adam ke jurang
dan dorong dia jatuh.
syukurlah."

you were an idea that i kept alive

and they say "get it over with"

and they say "life is beautiful and exciting and it has to move on"
and they say "stay positive"

as if loss is easy. we all know it's natural, but it's never easy. it's never fair. it's going to be something that you face from the minute you wake up until you fall back to sleep - it could take weeks, years, a lifetime.

because we don't let go. we don't let go the things that we care about. we don't just leave it to the world and expect that they will be taken care of. no, we don't trust the world. we don't trust god. there's no warranty - we are talking about the souls that we love so damn much, and there's no warranty if they are safe or not.

if we are designed to let go every single thing we love - then fuck you. fuck your rules. fuck your design. fuck your pointless game of life.

30.4.15

aku rebah di tanah basah. mengandung
racun dan beranak peradaban kering nurani.

"kupahat mayatku di air

namaku mengalir
pada batu dasar kali kuberi wajahku
pucat dan beku
dimana-mana ada tanah
ada darah
mataku berjalan di tengah-tengah
mencari mayatku sendiri
yang mengalir
namaku sampai di pantai
ombak membawa namaku
laut menyimpan namaku
semua ada di air."

- kriapur

as an atheist, losing someone you deeply love is the hardest.in those days, you will curse yourself - you will bleeding inside knowing that this is final,you will dream that there is heaven or any place where one day you will meet her again,and you will break down and cry knowing that it is only a dream. 

what happens now, you just don't know.

29.4.15

di mana kamu nak? masihkah kita berbagi dunia?

28.4.15

it's been almost a week. my sky is black and burning,

and the sun is nowhere to be found.

heartbeat, where are you beating now?

please come home. everyday i cook chicken soup, it's your favorite, i know. i boil it and keep it warm everytime sunset comes,
hoping you'll knock on my door again and looking for warmth.

(to: nunung)

27.4.15




you don't know people.

i silenced my phone. let it die. almost 3 days. it feels nice and quiet. i can think. i can feel.


nunung. hear me calling.

26.4.15

i have an imaginary friend. his name is god.


he sucks sometimes, but at least, he's always there.