every 2nd january always feel hopeful

              I watch you grow old,

I watch your hair becoming grey and thin,

Your face changes, deeper, heavier... with wrinkles and all.

You didn't look like this when I married you.

I watched it all.

I watch you turning slowly, 

                    (slowly, 

                    ..... really slowly,)

                into someone you haven't been.

I watch it all.

I witness your laugh. I witness your sweet kindness. I witness your guardian angels. I witness your defeat. I witness your madness. I witness your demons. — I sit with you through it all.

Who would've thought.

Every after the war and the reconcile, I bet on the day when both of us got triggered again. The gap gets closer and closer as we both are facing each of our self right now — we face ourselves so we can be peace with us. We were sleeping with time bombs under our blanket.

It's sickening, I know.

It's sickening to stare at all the rotten parts in you... have made you becoming who you are. And to heal those parts, to heal our minds? It's a messy, ugly, painful process. I know, I know. People avoid that process for a reason, you know. We are in the same war, different battlegrounds...

... still, we face it. There are moments when we are so close in giving up. Yet you bounced back. ... and I did too.

This year I had my most darkest deepest fall where I thought I would lose it all... you flew in and you pulled me up.

...

See. There were no one else, in this world, but you.

(and the dogs and cats. On other note, yes, I do have 3 spiritual guardians but that's another story).

~~~~

            But it's Us.

            Thousands of words we say to other people to describe what happened between us, yet still they don't see it.

    

            It's a feeling. You just know it.

            Our perspectives were distorted, but not our feelings.

            The strongest feeling I knew, I knew you way before this lifetime.

            I just do, don't ask me how.

        

            I just knew. As sure as the the sun shine.

Marriage isn't pretty. It never is. It's just real. As real as the love we apparently both have. As real as our scars...

                                    .... that we both try to heal. Boy do we struggle.

We've come so far. 

.... We were so much younger back then. We thought the world would spin on our term.

You came from the real world, the version of world that I try to protect myself from. You came from that ugly world and landed in my world — of course this is a desolation for you.

You dove deep into my world, even though the air was different. Yet you try to breathe... it takes effort, it takes patience, it takes a lot of you but you give them all anyway in a heartbeat, so we're not light years apart anymore. ~ I should have known how it feels to turn my life around for someone. I have never been, you know.

(I'm an alien whole my life. I live conveniently within my moral standard, I must admit.)

So.

Peeling layers of our egos grows grey hairs, innit. Took a while to recognise ourselves in the mirror, innit.

Yet we keep on peeling.

I see what you're doing. I see your heart. 

I know I married a sensitive, stubborn, fighter — just like myself. I know I married my handler, just like how I tamed you.

Happy birthday, Agung Trio Susilo.

You're the one for me, with all that you are.

Insyaallah, astungkara, with all the grace in life and death and samsara and nirvana -- in this lifetime, may our love grows even stronger and conquers all this fuckton of "mental health" problems that we're both trying to untangle ;) ... We'll get there.

Thank you for all that you do; loving me unyieldingly. 

I will get my head around you. I will grow older with you. 

 sans you.

acceptance is the hardest thing in life.

i really thought we could make it.