Un:Cut

let me trash a little bit. it's my blog anyway, blogs suppose to be filled with trashes & whines, right?

i am giving up.
sometimes the best thing you can do over a situation you can't control is just, giving up.
like, for instance. i have book a flight to bangkok, macau and hong kong for 3-13 sept. me and gerry. and now i'm dead broke, well, gerry has money a little, he's like, "it's okay if you still wanna go. i don't mind at all. it's just that, let's not forget we have annual house rent & huge bills of credit cards, it's going to take all my savings. so after the trip, you kinda have to work, missy. i mean, i work too, but i'm gonna be dead broke too, what if there's an emergency? like me being sick, or you or mama? we don't have health insurance, and you know, we often like to get sick."
ooookay. reality check.

even though i have made contact with a dear friend in hong kong who is also a curator in an art gallery there, who asks me to do a presentation about my works in his gallery. he's so lovely and i really really adore him like a silly girl. no it's not a crush, but let's say i'm his big big fan and now he wants to meet me & talk about my works. you know how it feels, huh? like, omg. zap zap zap! i adore him and he likes me. yep righty folks, that stupid fling.
but then again. reality check. i can't make gerry suck up his bank accounts for my pleasure. no. no no.

and, 100-harian yoga. i didn't predict that yoga will die when i bought the advanced ticket, of course. 100-harian yoga will be on sept 5th. it's not gonna big and colossal and all, just a bunch of guys coming for tahlilan. but there is no way i'm going on vacation and leave mom all alone to deal with this.
so, no. no. say bye bye to hong kong, noran.

so i quit my bangkok macau hong kong fantasy. i want to make what's best of what i have left here: mama & gerry. so i plan some menu for lebaran, i want it to be special. i'm gonna cook them all on my own, i want to make a surprise. i'm gonna spend september accompanying mama having her fasting. she's a bit down whenever she remembers how last ramadhan was her last ramadhan with yoga. so i asked her today, when we're breaking our fast, "what's the recipe for your sayur kacang panjang that i really really love?" - it's one menu i always request in every lebaran. i want to make it on my own, remember?
she was like, "oh. okay, i'll tell you later on. and oh, i plan to spend lebaran with my pengajian fellow. we will go to banten to pray, there's a mosque there we need to visit."
"so you're not spending lebaran with us?"
"no. i have plans. and i thought you gonna go to hong kong."
"no. i'm not going to hong kong. even if i am, i'm gonna be home on lebaran. it's only until 15 sept."
"oh."
"yeah. if i go to hongkong, then the thing we missed will be, 100-harian yoga. it's on 5 sept, right?"
"yes. i'm actually okay if you want to skip 100-harian yoga. i've got everything under control. we've bought the food, i've already invite some people. i can ask tukang sampah kompleks to help me out with the house. you can go to hong kong. i'm okay."
"but i want to be here. i don't have the money for hong kong. and gerry feels he has to pay for our house rent."
"okay. up to you. and gerry shouldn't worry about the house rent. i'll figure out, i can borrow some money if you can't pay for this year."
"gerry wants to pay. he lives here for more than one year, last year he actually took part in donating our house rent. let him pay for this year, nothing wrong with that. he would love it."
"gerry is a good son, but i don't want to owe him. it's our house. it's my house, it's yoga's house. he's not your husband, he doesn't have the obligation for our life. he gives too much already. i know how much we need it, but i can't take all his money. this is yoga's house, i don't want to be a burden. i'm gonna take care of it."

hffft.
i was so devastated, i didn't say nothing at all. really. i was like, wtf. i know she's right, but please be considerate. how can i let my mother borrow someone's money, while i have a boyfriend who is willing to help? i'm a woman with pride too, i'm not the type of girl who's like, "jackpot!" when she finds a boy who would want to pay for her life. my phone is broke for months and did i ask gerry to buy me a new one? no. i want this delicious booties i saw on the internet, and do i ask gerry to spoil me with one? no. but when it comes to a home, it's a big outcome, i used to pay for our house rent when i still have a job. but now i'm not, and for this year, gerry was like, "please let me pay. please. i live here, please let me pay." - okay, he makes sense. i said okay, while silently promised myself to make it up for him next year or in anytime i get the chance. i owe him, i still feel like it's an owe, but okay, timing is perfect to open myself a bit.

and now, my mom, is like, i don't need you. i don't need your help. i don't need you to be here on the 5th september, and i'm gonna go on my own for lebaran, and i don't need gerry to pay for my home. i was so disappointed, i don't even look at her or talk, until this very second.

oh i hate stubborn people. i hate my people.

and now, this hong kong curator guy messaged me on facebook, saying like, "hey, so when will you be here? i have a spare room in my pad, you are welcome to stay at our place while you're in hong kong. let me know. we would love it."

and.

i plan a trip to bangkok, before going to hong kong, rite? and guess who's buzzing me on ym. it's loh. unbelievable. he buzz me, i am always invisible in ym these days, and he pick this day to buzz me, and i can't act like i don't care. he's like,
"how are you?"
"fine, i guess. i hope. i actually not in the good mood. but how are you?"
"good. i know you're always online :)"
"yeah."
"you're fasting?"
"yeah. you?"
"alhamdulillah. :)"
"ha. good :)"
"i move to bangkok tomorrow. just want to tell you."
"yeah?"
"yes. i have a job offer there. i'm gonna stay there this september, maybe until december. we'll see."
"what job?"
"instructor. for technical school."
"wow. congrats! good to hear."
"thank you."
"how about your family?"
it's a long gap until he typed me back. "i split up."
"no."
"yes. kids are with their mother."
"no."
"we're not divorced yet, but both of us have filed the letter. that's why i moved to bangkok. i need to think for a while, until we really divorce."
"i'm sorry to hear."
"we're okay. thank you."
"oh :("
"hey don't be. i'm okay. how's you and your boyfriend?"
"we're good."
"you're not married yet?"
"ah no. not yet :)"
"okay. i hope you happy."
"i am. i hope you are too."
"hey you remember the national? you really love the band back then."
"haha. i still am now. and i remember you love the band too! i made you love them. :D"
"yes, i still have some songs in my player here. you gave them. so, i look for the videos on youtube. they have this song, a cover song, sleep all summer. you know?"
"nooo havent heard. latest thing i heard from them is the virginia ep. it's a really good album. you should hear."
"i know. i download virginia ep. really good."
"yeaahhh"
"so have you heard sleep all summer?"
"no. is it good?"
"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztzfr1PjFCY :)"
"ah okay. will look now."
"i have to go now. i hope i chat with you again tomorrow,"
":) okay. bye."
"bye. take care,"
":)"

so i look. and listen.




and really loh, you're such an asshole.

(today is not a good day)