Un:Cut

2023, your thorns cut me deeper that I thought they would be. Meh. Happens to the best of us, maybe.

I was in a monastery in Nepal few months ago when I thought I still had hope.

I was in a temple in Jogja last month when I thought, my soul thought, that I might not make it. A gardener from the temple yard came to me and couldn't stop telling me stories about arrogance and acceptance in marriages. I still remember his face, his name... Sugeng. Bless him.

I was in Bali last week when my mind is cracked and opened and I was there on my death bed, on 29th November — ready to die. Images of Domi were running wildly, his face were all over me... There is this invisible unbreakable string between us that just won't... give... in.

I passed out in that room. After hours staring at reflections of sunbeam and a moth's egg hanging by the wall. That egg was dancing and calling me, I followed it and didn't know where I ended up. It looked like blurry rainbows and a hymn, so beautiful but dark... and heavy. I thought of Domi all the time. I thought of everyone, I knew I should euthanise them all first if there's ever a day when I couldn't mother them anymore. They're just a bunch of freak show, no one would love them like I do.

I woke up the morning after. All doors were opened. I didn't open them. I brought my body up, walking, feeling each step on cold tiles... Closing the doors, wondering why I was still alive. 

I lived. For another day. Something, or someone was guarding me from myself. I was sucked in. I remember I texted Evelyn saying, "I feel like burying myself in the ground because it feels so cool and calm down there." ... I didn't know what that meant by then.

I booked you a flight that day. You would do it already if you're not so stupid about these admins things... or if you have money. You flew in and off to the priestess we go. I did what I could, I did my best. The rest is up to fate. I was ready for anything.

You cracked your shell off. I did my best to believe it. The priestess said that love is not gone. It's strong, it's there and it's screaming out loud telling us not to let go. 

I wasn't surprised. I knew he had it in him, but will he know how to use it... How to love someone?

Because how can someone who hasn't been loved know what to do with it, right?

Here comes the devil. (me. I'm the devil).

... Was it me? My vision is framed by my idealism. On how humans should behave. On how lovers should behave. On how life partners should behave. .... On what love should feel like. No one can tell you that. I guess I did drown him in my ocean of shoulds, no wonder he's fighting for air.

It could be me who was afraid. I have always been afraid with the world anyway, and he's coming from the fucking same place : The World. I let that part of The World touched me, he's a product of something that I don't want to accept. Of course my first reaction was to "sanitize" him.

I didn't know how to handle him better.

The priestess told me that I should carry him, it's my duty too. I'm capable to and I'm his wife. Eternal curse of the strong ones. I didn't know if I could, but willing to try my best. I don't get called "Over-achiever" for nothing.

So here I am. Seeing him. Carrying him. Standing strong on my own because I don't want this to drag me down again. I'm done sinking in my wishful thinkings.

Here we are. He carries me too, sometimes more than I gave credit for.

... Was it love? Was that love, pulling us so hard to each other... Disregarding hundreds of destructions and shatterings caused by our expectations and imaginations on what love should be like... Was it love that murdered all of our feelings?

And here you are, here I am. Struggling to remembering those nights when you were possessed by your guardian, growling. Yet here you are, painting the walls. Here you are, taking a space in my life — along with Domi and the rest.

You stay here out of choice. No one force you to. No strings between us. 

But love.

Here we are.

I'm writing this down so I don't forget my life.