Un:Cut

i know we have to be grateful and everything happens for a reason and all that shit
but

there are times when i wish that my mother never met my father
so i wouldn't have to witness him beating her
and him fucking her, and him leaving her and come back again beating her
so i wouldn't have to break my waist when him beating me
so i wouldn't have my little brother witness him beating me
so i would have a normal happy childhood like all the kids in my school
so i would know what to answer when my teachers ask, "where's your parents?"
so i would have a normal happy teenage life
so i wouldn't be so curious to prove that drugs is the answer
so i wouldn't cut myself like a fucking emo loser
so i wouldn't fuck any boy, or girl, i met just to forget all the things happen at home
so i wouldn't be so ridiculously traumatized about marriage life
so i would have less bruises and open wounds
and maybe more friends
so i wouldn't have the walls in my room written by my anger
so my little brother would grow normal and stress-free
so he wouldn't get fucking schizophrenia
so he wouldn't go cuckoo
so i wouldn't have to witness him beating the hell out of my mom
broke her ribs and transforming her face into black and blue
so i wouldn't have to feel another bruises, bleeding eyes and broken noses
so he wouldn't be so mental-paralyzed and money consuming
so he wouldn't make my mom feels guilty about his life
so he would still be here, alive and healthy and going to college
so my mom wouldn't cry her heart out
every day and every night
begging for god to take away her life so she could meet my brother in heaven
she said she misses him so so much, it kills.
it kills me too. i wish i can be the reason for her to stay living
it kills me that i'm not.

i'm not blaming anybody, there's nothing to blame.
i'm just wondering.
will i be that girl who already got married with her beautiful husband,
learning cooking on weekends,
working or probably taking care of our kids -
living that default life of humanity, you know
save some money to buy a house, a car
live monogamous in the suburbs
worshiping long weekends.
maybe that is what my mom wants from me.
maybe that could be her reason to live.
but how can i be someone i couldn't afford to be?
i am so scare of failing in marriage, don't tell me, "oh everybody has it dear. it happens."
you. have. no. idea. how. that. feels.
you. have. no. fucking. idea
how my life was.
and how tiring it is just to be at this point and feel normal.
i'm lucky i can survive. look at my brother.