life these days pt. 1

Life these days were cold, grey and lovely. Gerry decided to stay at my place until he really took-off, he said, “What’s the point. I can’t not being with you while life hands me the chance. I can’t. Please.”
And I let him spend short couple of weeks sleeping in. Sometimes he made love to me, sometimes we’re just sleeping naked under the blanket and he would snuck his face to my shoulder and sniff my hair. There was this night when he said, “I could smell your hair until the day I die.” And I laughed, “Would you love me until the day I die?” and he smiled, stared at me and kissed my lips gently. Like how you kiss a sweet pudding, you taste it, but not sucking it.

So there we are. Humans. Who don’t know what they’re doing.
(You know I have to admit this, 90% of my life, I never know what I’m doing.
I’m 28, I can be a good mother, I can be a good person, but growing up is just not me. I still have faith, like a child who will never let her dreams go away. Like a cat who sees the world in black and white. I believe in lies, I’m okay with listening to bullshit than being violated by it. I am never a grown-up.)
I always have room to make mistakes. Even our parents and our grandparents still have that room, so that makes my room is bigger (because I’m younger than them!). So maybe this is how I use my room. My own, without Gerry in it. There’s always a little of me who is always curious, about how will I be, alone. Life has been heavenly with him, I’m safe, comfortable and happy. It’s every woman’s dream, I believe. He’s just too perfect he always makes me feel like I’m flying, but human is not designed to fly. I can’t imagine life without him, even if that kind of life is already standing in front of my face right now – but most importantly, I can’t imagine if apparently what we had this far was just a fleeting romance.

To fall in love is one thing, but making it last is another thing. To always think someone special in my heart is one thing, but to not break his heart – it’s a different, different thing.

Life hands me the chance to love, and now life hands me the chance to test it, so then I know if I can keep it or not. I wanna know how would I be without him. I’ve done too many mistakes, by being me - that selfish me, this time I need to change. For him, maybe it’s him.

Gerry will be flying to Sao Paulo, Brazil, in 8 days. He will work for a project there, contract is signed for 6 month, with a chance of addition time if the project needs to. I know this is the best for him. He was jumping out of the bed when he got the call, and couldn’t stop smiling all day. Working aboard is one of his dreams, Gerry’s sense of art is awfully a minority in Indonesia, here, what he does basically simple art projects or freelancing as music director for jingles and events. He can’t go all the way – and as an idealistic person just like him, I know it’s torturing. He got more projects from Malaysian video art communities, or once he went to Brazil for a quick project and installation (which turned out great results and has becoming his stepping stone to his career worldwide). He got his personal project exhibited too in London and Moscow. I remember he was so eager to bring up islands in NTB and NTT for an art documentation, I was helping him to deal with Indonesian Ministry of Tourism, but he got rejected because, well, long story short – his concept is judged being too absurd and pointless. Either way, he didn’t give up, he proposed again to other video art community, in Malaysia and Australia, and he got a green light from a sponsor in Malaysia. And funding, of course. So we sail to eastern Indonesia last January and make one hell of a work. That documentation has been exhibited in Malaysia, Singapore, and London. He got really positive results, and also, because of that video, he got this Sao Paulo project call.

See, he is something. I want him to do this. You know what my wish was on my previous birthday? It was for him to broaden his career and be someone he always wanted to be. (Well, I also wish my mum has new husband though, but it’s another story.)
And do you know when he got the call? 27th of June, on my birthday morning. He spent a night in my place, we have broken-up, but he made me a surprise party and that kinda messed up my house, so he stayed for cleaning up.
Back then, when I heard the news, my heart felt like it is bitten. I didn’t know God will answer my wish so fast, so soon. Too soon. That time, I was smiling for him, but part of me was breaking apart inside, because before this morning, the idea of our life that I had in mind was, us, breaking up and living in different house – not: us, breaking up and living in different side of world.

Yes, I still love him. I still care for him, and actually the reason why we have to separate is because we infatuate each other too much and it’s becoming destructive. I know it’s lame, but it happened. We need a break.
Days after that day was hard to describe for me. With people still asking, friends still couldn’t accept.. and also, both of gerry's dad and my mum’s heart still crushed – I have to face that he’s going to leave me about thousand miles away. I tried my best to embrace the bittersweet fact, but believe me, some things are easier said than done.

I spent a night in his place one time, I had to getaway from my house’s loud noise (I had old relatives visiting), I had deadlines so I need quiet and his room is a studio, there goes my solution for working in peace. Staying there wide awake almost all night made me acknowledge that his typhoid syndrome is not recovered yet. (He has typhoid couple weeks before we break-up, but he got better the last time I check) .. Well, apparently not. His parents were in Australia and his baby sister couldn’t treat typhoid syndrome, she’s just 11.
I brought him back to my house, this is still his house anyway. And while taking care of him, by time, I realize how selfish I am by being so scare of losing him. This is his chance, chances are here to grab. I can’t chase my dreams of working aboard yet, because my mum still needs attention, but one of us should!

One night, Gerry asked me to talk, he said he left the decision to me, whether he should take the project or not, whether I want him here or there in Brazil. It’s a stupid act. If I was him, of course I’m taking it, why would you let your selfish ex-girlfriend made all the important decision for you?
“Goddamnit take the offer.”
And he was like, “You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“This is what you want?”
“.. Is this what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want..”
“You want this.”
“I don’t know..”
“You want this.”
“Is it too much for you to come with me?”
I already know the answer by heartbeat, but it took me minutes to let it out of my mouth. I said things I don't want to say, “Ha. You know I can’t. Plane tickets. Mom. Us..”
And he looked at me with a sad face.
“I wish I can. You know I want to.”
Then he opened his arms, held me and kissed my eyes. He whispered, “I love you,” – I don’t know what that means but I’m just glad I heard it.