life these days pt. 2

Life these days was warm inside my bed. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’m up to whatever it is.
Been spending last weekend packing Gerry’s stuff, he didn’t bring much clothes, but his electronic/musical instruments and technical equipments, now that’s our homework. Cleaning each one of it, organizing their wires, guidebook etc, packed ‘em to the boxes, and sealed them. And clean up the cupboard where those stuff used to belong to. Things like that. It was really tiring, but we had fun.
Then we made agreements, like, I’m gonna send him 2 packs of Indomie Kari Ayam and Dji Sam Soe in each 2 months, hehehe. He said after he’s being paid in six months later, he would want me to follow him there, I said we’ll see about that. I’d really want to, but I got unpaid rent here, and a stubborn grieving mother who doesn’t want to leave Jakarta. She kept getting better by time, but she’s not back yet. I’m starting to understand her feelings, it’s hard for parents losing their son at his primal age (14-26 yo), especially if they feel guilty about the loss. Iwan Fals took 5 solid years to get back on the ground after he lost his first son, Gilang, and the birth of another son after 5 years losing is one of those that helped him, I guess. … So I’m embracing.

That’s just what I’m gonna do, I’m embracing.

I used to be a passionate idealist who will fight to get whatever she wants, but now, my hands are up. You can’t fight life. You’re just a silly tiny human. Now, instead of overthinking my dreams and all that I want, I tried to see the universe around me and enjoy what I still have. I don’t care if I die alone as a loser or whatever, I just want to make things easier, for me and maybe for everybody else.

We live in the world where people are too self-absorbed these days, what they are thinking is just their life, their dreams, their personal satisfaction and all the things that they need to make them happy. It’s not wrong, at all. But I believe human can do better than that. We have that thing called: Compassion. Remember?

Couple weeks ago, I saw a stray kid crying to her mother (I suppose), she was about 6-8 yo, and she was screaming that she was just raped, by some guy, down by the pengkolan around the corner. And the mother slapped her, maybe because she can’t stand the screaming, then she left her in the street.
The sad truth is, many girls are like that, one year from now, two, three, four… ten years from now, even until the day we die, they are always fucked ~ to some people, living is just a curse. And if we’re talking statistics in Indonesia, to MOST people, living is pain. They eat garbage because they’re starving, not because they want to live.
People like that, they make me feel guilty. I know it’s wrong. I know every person should be responsible for their own life, but I always feel guilty if I can spend 50ribu perak for a cab while that 50ribu could mean beras 10 kilo, vegetable and meal for them, just so they can eat proper. Am I making sense?

So these days, I’m getting more and more turned off by money, consumerism and hedonism. I’m hiding away from those night ride, hemp and vodka I used to get along with. Most of my friends are still living like a rock n roll star, and sometimes I still got the tempt of course, but this contradiction tags along in me. If the money can buy happiness for people who have never been happy, then what was I waiting for?
This topic is probably off a bit, but things like these been occupy my mind. It distracts me from the void feeling of the fact that Gerry will leave. I need to fill my mind.

I’m managing donations to some foster house/pesantren anak yatim and homeless community. I’ve been doing research for an organization that helps economically-unfortunate people with Schizophrenia syndrome, I found out that there is one, but it is in Surabaya. We don’t have it in Jakarta. You know how many dysfunctional people out there who are sick by nature (and by the city), and how we "functional" people just wish they could disappear so they don’t slum this city? I have to help them, because nobody else wants to. I’m figuring out now.
I'm not talking about a place to dump them, I'm talking about a home that can treat them. To leverage their aspects, and if they can still be cured, then to cure them. I remember it was so hard to find a decent place to cure my Schizophrenic brother, I know how it feels.
I'm probably aiming too high, but I have intention. I’m a stupid nobody, I ain't hero, I'm penniless, I never know what I’m doing, but I. Will. Figure. How.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m still dreaming, big. I have a washed-out jubilant of life, believe me it’s still there inside of me. One day I’ll find a better cosmos out there, and travel the world and all. But for today, God made me stay for a reason.
Maybe there are other people’s dreams that I need to see.
Maybe I need to figure out who I really am by myself, without Gerry.
Maybe I need to learn how to untie myself from anyone, or anything. To make things simpler, to make times I have left becoming moments I have made.
Maybe I just need to enjoy the ride, wherever it leads me, it's all there, I just have to choose.. and put my trust back in life.
Maybe I need reflect at myself, fix those mistakes I have made.. so I can be a better woman for Gerry, for anybody.