Un:Cut

"Because people tend to kill things that they love." - Paulo Coelho, The Valkyries.

D's bookstore coffeeshop in Ko Phi Phi Don.
Thursday, July 31, 2008.
10:50 am



He suddenly appears, in front of me. I was reading Paulo Coelho's The Valkyries while having my delicious 70B Chai Tea. I feel ...
...
...
like being found.



L Khwan jai
N Hi (Pulled a chair for him to sit down, but he kept standing in front of me)
...
N Sit down. What are you doing?
L (Smiled)
N Sit, please.
L (Sat) I called you last night, where were you?
N Hippies Bar
L Why didn't you pick up? I was looking for you last night.
N You did?
L Yeah, I'm looking almost everywhere in the island. I've check the hotel, Loh Dalum, pier, Madame Resto... everywhere. But I missed Hippies Bar
N Haha. Sorry, I was drunk. I didn't hear the call.
L Okay. Glad you have your fun. You coming here with your friends?
N No. I came alone.
L But, you told me you're coming to Bangkok with your friends
N I did. But I ditched them in Bangkok. I come to Phi phi alone.
L (Stared at me for a very very long time)

(There were this 20 minutes when everything was freezed, where there were no words are needed to describe how we both felt)

L I'm so glad that you're here
N Yeah. Me too. You know how I love this island
L Can we spend this night together?
N But you can't stay at my place.
L Why?
N I have a room mate. Just met her on the pier, she's cool, and I need some share for room
L Oh
N So, how's your son condition?
L (Nodded his head while thinking) He's okay, his asthma is getting better since living in here. How's your condition?
N Haha. I'm okay too.
L How are you?
N I'm... okay.
L You miss your boyfriend?
N (Laughed) Yeah, a bit.
L He treat you well?
N He is. He's kind, he saved me. He believes in me. He's just too sweet. I love him.
L I love you.

N I love you too.

L Thank you for that.
N You know, there's a possibility that I love him, but I'm in love with you. But that's just too weird, isn't it?
L It is.
N I came here to let you know about something.

(He kissed me all of the sudden, I was helpless. We kissed for minutes, I don't know. It was the sweetest and softest kiss I've ever taste in my life. I was crying inside while nibbling his thin wet lips. At some point, I can finally stop sensing his mouth, so we stopped.)

L I miss your kisses
N I miss you
L I miss kissing your back in the morning
N Stop.
L I miss the way you sound...
N Please stop. I came here not to start another chapter with you.
L Please.
N I miss you, I always be in love with you. But you're not him. You're not the man. You belong to someone else. I have to find someone for myself. I have to, please understand.
L You already found someone. It's your boyfriend. I'm happy for that.
N Yeah, so we're done.

L (Freezed)

N We both know how we feel. Can we just keep it for ourselves? I'm gonna keep missing you, but I'm gonna stop saying that. So are you. You're gonna stop saying things that made me sad. Please?
L I won't lie to myself.
N I'm not asking you to lie, just to... shut up about it. Because you can't do that. You can't tell a girl that you love her while you're sleeping with your wife in another island. It's just not right. See? If you really love me, don't you think you should leave me alone?

(He didn't say a word. By seeing his face, I can't tell that he's not accepting it well. We both were in pain.)

N I want to try my best for Gerry. And you want to try your best for your family. So...

L Can I have you for one last night?
N (Shook head)
L Is that too much too ask?
N (Nodded)

L I promised I won't sleep with you. I just want to be with you.
N If it's just the two of us, we'll end up sleeping together. You know that.
L But then you're going away, tomorrow. I just want to be with you, for one night. And then you can come home to your boyfriend, and I swear to god, I won't say anything, ever again, that will make you sad.

L You know I love you, only you. Not my wife. Not anybody else.


N You have to let me go.
L Tomorrow, I will. But please not tonight.

N Baby, I'm sorry. But we have too much broken hearts already. I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart.

N No we can't do that. We can't break good people's heart. Let's just try to fix what's broken in front of us, without hurting anyone else.

L I love you.

N I love you too. But we're done.

(There were a long pause, us sitting there without saying anything)



L (Checking out his phone) I have to run to work now.
N Okay
L Promise me one last thing, before you head back to Phuket tomorrow. Don't leave without saying goodbye to me.
N I won't. I'll catch you in the pier tomorrow.

L So I'll see you again tonight?
N (Smiled) Maybe. Maybe not.

(We kissed. Felt like forever.)

L It's strange.
N What?
L How we become strangers.
N Oh yeah.
L I used to wake up beside you every morning, and come home to you every night.

N Yeah.
N But before that, we used to be strangers too.

L Yeah.
N I'll see you in the pier tomorrow, okay?
L Jaa
N Duu laae dtuaa aehng na
L (Laughed) Your Thai is getting better!
N Thank you
L (Stood up, held my hand for a while) Sawatdee kaa
N Sawatdee kaa

So there he went.
I couldn't believe that I was actually ending everything with him. I didn't cry at all, I was just stunned.

So this is what Paulo fucking Coelho means, by saying, that people always tend to kill things that they love.